it’s a gift to exist.
I have never wished that the suffering I have lived through had never happened.
I have said that since I was 15 years old. I have believed that everything happens for a reason since I was a little girl. And no I did not grow up in the traditional “faith” (religious) sense, yet I was blessed with inherent faith + trust. Deep down, even if you can’t see or feel it, we are all blessed with faith + trust because it comes from within.
When I allow myself to show up in vulnerability and share some of my sufferings with others, some of those people get a little confused when I follow it up with those statements.
Was it fair to experience those traumatic events? to have lived with CPTSD multiple times at just 26? No. I did not deserve what has happened to me. You did not deserve the traumas that have happened to you.
But it is a gift. I have learned to love the things that I most wish that had not happened.
I would not be the woman I am today without the suffering that I have lived through.
My suffering gave me the gift of my healing + my growth. It has shown me how resilient I am. My suffering has given me the opportunity to know the deep depths of myself. It has revealed the never ending light + love that I have within.
I was given the gift of connection - with others who have also suffered. To extend my love + light to others more deeply. I am able to give the gift of helping others feel understood + seen.
I was given the gift of knowing my purpose so early in life - to be of service to others by showing them that there is light within if they choose to see it. Guide them to see that suffering does not have keep them in the dark, and help them experience more light than they ever thought possible.
My 25th birthday was a huge milestone for me. I did not think I was going to make it to 25. For a long time I couldn’t - for the life of me - visualize or imagine a future for myself. I almost let the suffering convince me that it would soon take all of me because it was out of my control. But when I was at that point (at 20 years old just before I asked for help + stopped trying to deal with it all on my own), I didn’t know that I could reignite the light + love that has always been within me.
When my 25th birthday came around I was experiencing huge out of body awareness moments, taking in the love + effort I put into myself to get to there. I turned 25 and when I looked around at my life + taking it all in, I was overwhelmed with the light + love despite the weight of suffering I have experienced already. We are not meant to “do it all on our own” - I got there because I seeked out help + guidance.
There is no light without dark, and I am grateful for that.
What a gift it is to suffer. What a gift it is to love deeply.
What a gift it is to exist.
